Guidelines for Succesful Interaction with First Contact Species [v1.0]

Do not say, “Greetings!” This is clichéd beyond the point of no return. However, if the extraterrestrial says “Greetings!” to you, try not to roll your eyes.

Observe the stipulated first greetings radius of between five and eight metres. This offers some opportunity for retreat should events turn sour, or if the extraterrestrial naturally emits a foul odour, in which case you might have to retreat anyway.

If the extraterrestrial has a noticeable feature on its face or body, do not stare at it.

Give the extraterrestrial your title and full name, but be wary of hypnotic or telepathic abilities that might reveal sensitive information, such as our planetary defence systems or knowledge of your embarrassing secrets.

Try to establish some form of communication and be sure to extend a warm welcome and emphasise your interest in peaceful relations. However, if the extraterrestrial seems aggressive or hostile, adopt a frown to show you mean business.

Once communication has been established, determine whether it is safe for them to exit their ship. Otherwise, you will be cleaning the mess when they explode/implode/melt/compress/etc as a reaction to our atmosphere.

Avoid using common hand and facial gestures—what may be effective non-verbal communication methods may inadvertently be standard forms of communication for the extraterrestrial. We do not want you accidentally insulting them. Unless, of course, insults are an acceptable form of relationship-building on their world. But it is best to play it safe. This is why no individual from a cultural background of hand-talking will be allowed to interact with first contact extraterrestrials until a suitable relationship has been formed. The exception to the rule will be unless said individuals’ hands and arms are restrained or have been previously amputated.

Determine what position the extraterrestrial holds in their world. This will greatly assist administration personnel in allocating suitable accommodations for our visitor (i.e., luxurious penthouse versus three-star motel room).

Determine whether the extraterrestrial has come to destroy us, to help us, to ask for our help, is lost, or to simply make a rest stop as part of a longer journey. Either way, we want to be its friend. If its purpose is to destroy us, then we salute you for your courageous act as the first defender of Earth and will remember you for as long as the human race survives against the onslaught of a far superior alien menace.

If they are friendly, ask nicely if they may leave any weapons on their ship. If they don’t comply, don’t worry–there will be several heavily-armed drones following your every move and waiting to bombard your position should the extraterrestrial turn hostile. Your family will be compensated for your loss through various financial and counselling options.

Ask if they will probe you—it would be nice to debunk a decades-old science fiction trope. However, if a probing will occur, enter your happy place and make this sacrifice for the benefit of humankind. You will be rewarded for your services, should you survive and return from the procedure.

Try to learn what planet the extraterrestrial has come from—there are several bets among Earth’s space agencies that need to be resolved.

Try to find out if they have lawyers on their planet. If they do, we don’t want them here. Bear in mind that a consensus on the formal and informal status of lawyers may be a point of common ground between their civilisation and ours.

At the earliest convenient time, learn about the extraterrestrial’s gastronomical details. Chances are they will have brought their own food, but if for some reason they extend their stay on Earth, we will need to feed them. Not everyone likes coffee.

Try to balance our display of military power with that of economic strength. Money walks—or, in the case of our visitor, it might fly, levitate, crawl, or slither. If the extraterrestrial has no concept of money, alert the World Trade Organisation immediately, because you’ve just discovered a gold mine.

Do not, under any circumstances, show them cats for an extended period of time. We do not want a repeat of cat worship like that experienced in Ancient Egypt. The master-servant relationship between cats and humans is finally at a workable balance now, so there is no need to ruin two millennia of painstaking reforms.

Do not introduce them to films or literature about humans destroying aliens. That is bad publicity.

State that we apologise if they intercepted the 2008 Across the Universe interstellar radio message. The Beatles, popular as they were and still are, may not be to the liking of our alien visitor. Best case scenario: it inspired an interest in 1960s Earth pop culture. Worst case scenario: they prefer the Rolling Stones.

Ascertain their interest in sports, as this is often a point of common ground for humans. If the extraterrestrial engages in sports, show them an example of Earth sports. Baseball will suffice. If you must show them football, make sure it’s the real football (i.e., soccer).

Try to learn about their technological achievements and secure a deal to give us the means of interstellar travel and colonisation. We really want to reach the stars, but, frankly, it’s taking too long doing it by ourselves.

Assure the extraterrestrial that while our governmental systems may seem laughable to them, they actually are laughable to us too. We will accept reasonable advice to improve this aspect of our civilisation.